Canada: North America's Third Largest Nation
by 122 Generation
Summary: British Columbia makes up a series of satirically-packed one-liner descriptions to mock Canada in every single way. Almost everyone, and not just Canada, are not impressed. Rated for minor alcohol references.


**This has nothing to do with Hetalia, but I think it'd be neat for everyone to read about this.**

**I'm a Canadian, and every Thursday I tune to the radio and listen to the CBC radio comedy "This is That". Every time, the show opens up with the announcer saying a one-liner about Canada. It's highly satirical, because it's a statement that's either pointless, insignificant, or something no Canadian should be proud of (mostly).**

**It's even funnier if you try to say 'Canada' in front of every one-liner.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own a single word between this border and the last border. All the lines are owned by the CBC and "This is That". The show receives full credit. Plus, the show dates back to 2010!**

**Fun Fact: did you know there are **generally **only three countries in North America? If Canada is North America's 'third largest'... what does that also mean?**

* * *

><p>This is That.<p>

British Columbia, comprised of two plus one people, sat in the CBC studio in downtown Vancouver. There was this BC, Peter Oldring, and that BC, Pat Kelly, sitting near the radio mics as they heard the theme song of 'This is That' play on. And then there was the other BC, James Sloane, sitting... and waiting.

"I'm... Peter Oldring."

"And I'm... Pat Kelly."

"And today... on This... Is... That...!"

"Today, we find out how many ways are there to address Canada in the most honest way possible. Our very own James Sloane discovers every possible way to address Canada in truth and honesty. Over to you, James! All this and more! Today! On This... Is... That."

2012

Canada:

North America's third largest nation.

Member of the internet.

Canada:

Skies… and lakes… and SKIES…

The world's 'richest' people.

Canada:

America's pupil.

Canada:

From our aging _WHEAT FIELDS_ to our newborn _saplings_…

Four seasons! Four cities!

Canada:

The President's Choice… of countries.

The patch on the backpack of the world.

A legion… of legions.

From our JET SKIS... to our GRETZKYs.

Snowcaps… and cowboy hats.

Canada:

Where nineteen-year-old Americans… come to drink.

Canada:

You can see it from outer space!

Canada:

Come take a PEEK.

Canada:

From our spring thaw to our autumn harvest.

Foothills… and wind chills.

Through snow and SLEET… through rye and smoked MEAT.

Home of American television!

Canada:

Where non-renewable resources last _forever_…

Canada:

Snow and ICE… but really, really, NICE…

Canada:

Healthcare… in the middle of _nowhere_…

Where greetings are replaced with apologies!

From frank slide… to the great divide.

Canada:

From the Saint Lawrence to Saint JOHN. From Saint Albert to Saint JOHN'S…

Canada:

Clear-cuts and beer guts…

Canada:

Half-heartedly using the Metric system since Nineteen-Seventy-One.

From our fishing SPOTS… to our corner LOTS…

Bangers in hash.

Canada:

Maple butter maple candy, maple sugar maple BRANDY...

Winter… with a chance of SUMMER…

The world's… safest country!

The world's 'oldest' country.

Canada:

America… in plaid clothing.

Better with a buzz…

Inventor… of money.

Canada:

So cold, your tongue might stick to it!

Canada:

Absolutely… penniless.

Canada:

The world's coolest fashion.

Canada:

It's kind of hard… to miss.

Canada:

Fifteen thousand feet above sea level.

Canada:

We mean that in the nicest way possible.

Canada:

Home of ".ca" websites!

The world's nicest army.

You have to SKI it, to BELIEVE it.

When in doubt… portage.

Canada:

Home… of ten downtowns.

Some countries think… we're exotic.

Home of cell phones.

Canada:

Frozen _faces_… in frozen _places_.

Canada:

From sea… to sea… to SEA.

Home of boring elections.

Hockey STARS… and Nanaimo BARS.

Inventors of ginger ale!

From our IGLOOS… to our hoodoos.

Home… of WOOD.

We're filling out nicely!

2013

Canada:

North America's third largest nation.

Inventors of hat tricks.

Where the world SHOPS… for wood and FUR.

Inventors… of indoors!

Canada:

We BOAST… big COASTS.

Inventors… of HAMILTON.

We give thanks… FIRST.

This weekend we're on… the gravy train.

Truckloads on trunk roads.

Canada:

Home… of instant replays!

Facebook friends… with the world.

Home… of… snowballs.

Home of the snowflake.

Frostbite from hockey night.

Inventors… of frostbite.

Home of the BLIZZARD.

Water, water, everywhere… but IN the form of snow.

From our what-task-a-wins to our Saskatchewans.

From our Salmon Arm… to our Canada ARM.

Santa's first stop.

Canada:

Home… of Rob Ford.

From maple leaves… to Maple Leafs. (Toronto. Get it? Haha)

2014

Canada:

North America's third largest nation.

Where whales… vacation.

Our door is always OPEN… just not in the winter.

Inventors… of frostbite.

More COAST… than you can shake a BOAT at.

Home… of parkas.

Home… to three kinds of bear!

Canada:

Member of the internet.

Home of sandy OIL!

Canada:

Practising… Obamacare since NINETEEN-SIXTY…SIX.

Home of Toronto.

Home of London, Paris, and SYDNEY!

Inventors… of skate-SHARPENING.

Canada:

Ten provinces WIDE… one province and territory HIGH.

Canada:

England's BEST IDEA.

Canada:

Home of fourteen official languages.

Where you can wear pants… all year long.

Canada!

Even our Ombudsmen can't say Ombudsmen three times fast.

Summer is just around the corner! The world's largest, never ending, humongous, soul sucking corner...

Spring has spr... ugh.

Canada:

Home of Farley Mowat.

Canada:

We look kind of goofy in shorts.

Canada:

Where elk and bears... have their own bridges and TUNNELS.

Canada:

Removing the ball from soccer since TWENTY-THIRTEEN.

We have 200 towns with either word "SAINT" or "JOHN" in the name.

Canada:

If you're in America you've gone too far.

Where does hockey start?

Canada:

The ice bucket challenge is like really easy for us.

Canada!

Predicted to gross $11 at the weekend box office.

Our Queen is Elizabeth and our King is Burger.

Canada:

A new poll suggests Canadians are losing interest in polls.

Home of mosquitoes.

Kind of like a folk festival! All. THE. TIME.

Inventor... of YOGA PANTS.

We drive to AMERICA for GAS...

Home... of mosquitoes.

Inventor...

Canada:

Take your shoes off at the door.

Canada:

Jewel... of Wikipedia.

There are GOOD days... and there are BAY days...

Inventor of soccer.

A free-for-all... of politeness.

Canada:

Home of pelts.

Full bodied... with hints of maple.

Home to all animals.

When in doubt... _portage_.

Inventor... of SKI BOOTS.

One stamp... goes a LONG... WAY.

Canada:

Home... of Gretzkys!

The tropics... of ICELAND.

AUSTRALIA... of the North!

Canada:

Inventor of sweaters!

It now gets dark at NOON.

World's largest importer... of BOOTS.

Canada:

Centre of the universe.

Up north... and down filled.

The hand-me-down skate capital... of the world.

Canada:

Inventor of Cheesies.

We give thanks... first. (Thanksgiving, get it? It's earlier than America's. Haha)

Shopping south... for the weekend.

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><p>Canada.<p>

Let's peer into the heart of this great nation.

Who it is.

Where it is.

And where it's going.

And how it's getting there.

And who's involved.

And what's at stake.

Where is it…?

Canada.

This. _I__s._ That.

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><p>"Well, that was This Is That for this week."<p>

"Make sure you tune in next week for more of James Sloane's statements of addressing Canada in the most honest way possible."

"I'm... Pat Kelly."

"And I'm... Peter Oldring."

"Remember, Canada:"

"If it's not _this..._"

"Then it must be... _that."_

This Is That is created, produced, and _improvised_ every week... by Peter Oldring and Pat Kelly.

With contributions by:

Gary... ANTHONY.

Williams... DOUG Morency.

SCOTT... Vrooman.

James... HARTNETT.

SARA... Erikson.

Katie... CROWN.

Lauren... ASH.

Sandy... Jobin-BEVANS.

AND... Chris REDMAN.

This Is That, was recorded and produced in Vancouver... by Chris Kelly.

And I'm... James Sloane.

This. _Was_. That.

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><p>A week later, public outrage followed.<p>

Canada was not impressed that BC had called him the safest and the oldest. Plus, his door was always open even in the winter! Why did BC have to point out and mix a figurative term and a literal one?! Futhermore, Canada wasn't penniless at all! It didn't make sense. Actually, Canada found it more senseless!

Alberta disapproved BC calling Canada the home of sandy oil... and that Canada was 'home of the snowflake'. Why did BC have to say _the_ snowflake, if not snowflakes at the very least. It wasn't like Canada was the only nation who had THE snowflake and snowballs.

Saskatchewan glared at BC for saying his precious wheat fields were called 'aging', comparing his name to what-task-a-win... and as a pioneer of universal heathcare, practically wanted to strangle BC for calling 'heathcare... in the middle of nowhere', and pronouncing it as 'Obamacare' as a synonym.

Manitoba, raised his fists at BC for quoting Canada was home of the snowflake ("Oh, thank you, Mr. Obvious!" Manitoba yelled at BC) and wood (Manitoba found this to be too insignificant and obvious before yelling this at BC).

Ontario was furious at BC for defining Canada as Rob Ford, Toronto, the Maple Leafs, the maple leaves... and was angry at BC for half-heartedly mocking Farley Mowat.

Quebec sighed at BC's 'misunderstandings' of all things maple. Even though he knew that some of BC's statements were true, he also knew that BC lived pretty far from him. How dare BC make a mockery of him!

The Arctics (Yukon, Northwest Territories, and Nunavut) sympathised with Manitoba as they all shook their heads at BC for pretty much anything to do with winter. The blizzard, Canada being cold enough that the tongue might stick to him, and that Canada had frozen faces in frozen places. They also figured that BC calling them igloos and hoodoos was uncalled for.

Neither New Brunswick or Prince Edward Island or Nova Scotia were pleased at BC's name-calling about coasts. Water, water, everywhere... but in the form of snow. That was a lie! There was plenty of water around the Maritimes, and yet BC dared to say they boasted big coasts! More coast than someone could shake a boat at. Didn't that imply all of the Maritimes? Ridiculous. Especially Nova Scotia, where she thought that boasting about big coasts was nothing to be proud of. On BC's part, they remedied the situation by saying BC too had a big coast. Nova Scotia shook her head.

All the provinces above-mentioned, and Canada, thought that BC was betraying the _entire_ nation by saying that Canada was home of American television. America alone was fine with that, but no one was impressed with BC saying that was a _definition_ of Canada. It was not something to be proud of. Canada: America's pupil... WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? It wasn't like Canada was a part of America. Besides, Canada was a proud pupil of the UK and France (even the UK disapproved of BC's bad statement).

America alone wasn't impressed that BC called Canada 'America in plaid clothing'. That was like mocking Canada and America at the same time!

The only one who was undeterred was Newfoundland, who found it funny at how many times BC had mentioned 'Saint' and 'John'. Newfoundland laughed her heart out at Ontario in particular for the satirical impressions BC had made on the leading province. After all, this was all satire. It was ironic that she, Newfoundland, literally lived on the other coast of Canada (despite Quebec saying that BC lived too far away to understand Canada), and she was the only one, unlike Ontario, Quebec, and the others, who found it _funny_. She seemed to be enjoying herself.

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><p><strong>The last ten lines 'describing' Canada are basically the introduction to the CBC radio show "This is That". I'll attempt to update this weekly when I have time, since I'm in university (in Canada!), and "This is That" airs once a week.<strong>


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